


A MILE AWAY

by nekonyoung



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Main ship is sakuatsu, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Pining, Smut, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:41:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekonyoung/pseuds/nekonyoung
Summary: Consumed by the deafening silence and the darkness from every inch and corner of the space, they made this distance their "home".Their hearts, though they beat to the same rhythm, were out of sync. Pounding wildly and loudly, yearning to heed each other's call.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi, Sakusa Kiyoomi/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	A MILE AWAY

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE NOTE that a lot of the scenes jump from past to present. Scenes indicating the past are italicized.

**KIYOOMI**

"Are you crazy?" Kiyoomi laughs forcibly as he takes a drag out of his newly lit cigarette. His friend, Keiji, sitting across him, glaring right at him through the glass of champaign as he sips it. He rolled his eyes and scoffs, "please, it's written in your face, Kyo. You can't hide anything from me." Keiji says leaning against the couch, eyes not leaving Kiyoomi's. God, I hate it when he does this, Kiyoomi thinks to himself and rolls his eyes at his friend. He looks out at the window, a beautiful view of the world below them. At night, whenever he's alone, he would look at this view, every corner of the city lit up like stars on the ground. Nights like that, he thinks to himself, about the what ifs, the what could have been, of feelings he left unresolved for so long that he doesn't know how to fix it now that he's neck deep in regret. Whatever thought that comes across his mind though during nights like that, he keeps it to himself. Locked away from the depths of his heart, the very back of his mind, partnered with a stick of cigarette, eyes closed and breath heavy. Kiyoomi is actually determined to keep all those things a secret though and in order to cope, and in order to rid himself of whatever bullshit feeling he feels at the moment, he searches for blurred faces and unknown names to take home. Hot skin against hot skin, quiet moans in the dark, sweat upon sweat, and when his eyes are closed, he wills himself to put a face behind the body grinding against him. But every time he does try, he sees only one person’s face, a man whose smile is worth everything and more in his life, a man who he has already lost to someone else. A smile, a shadow of a person he once thought he could have, could be with, and yet here he is, with an unknown voice whispering in his ear in the middle of a dark room, a touch of someone he doesn’t even know. He’s sure to forget this person’s name, he always does. They always come and go, but the one person he sees whenever he closes his eyes is the only constant he has. The only one who keeps him grounded, whose smile he always wished to see in the morning, whose laugh was a lullaby, a daydream, something that holds significant weight over him. Some nights Kiyoomi would let his name slip, barely a whisper as he holds someone else at night. Some nights they hear and they don’t mind, other nights they stop and leave. Kiyoomi doesn’t really care. They’re never his constant, and never will.

  
“Kyo. Hey Kyo!” Keiji snaps the other back to reality and he shakes his head, scoffing. “He’s just in the other room Kyo. He always is.” Kiyoomi refills his empty glass and sighs, “Yeah, he is.” His eyes go back to the view from his window. “But he always feels like a mile away.” Keiji, cold might be are his demeanor and his words, is always so concerned for his friend. “You should just tell him.” He mutters under his breath and Kiyoomi scoffs. “We both know that’s not gonna happen, Keij.” He was about to say something else when a soft knock interrupted them. A second later, a tall, blonde man with golden brown eyes sneaks a peak from the door. “Hey, am I interrupting anything?” He asks. Kiyoomi smiles and stands up. Keiji watches his friend sipping a freshly refilled glass of his own. “No, Tsumu, what’s up?” Atsumu stands straight as soon as Kiyoomi opens his door wide. “I just wanted to let you know that I might be home late tonight. Kuroo invited me to go to his house for a ‘boy’s night out’” Atsumu emphasized the last three words with air quotations, grinning from ear to ear. “I already made dinner though, shame I won’t be able to eat it, but yeah.” Kiyoomi smiles, “We’ll save some for you later then. So, you go out there and have fun.” Atsumu laughs heartily and pats Kiyoomi on the arm. “I might go to Shin’s after though. Dunno if I’ll stay over. I’ll text you!” Atsumu runs back to his room as he said it, steps light and bouncy it almost made Kiyoomi laugh. Almost. His smile disappears at the mention of Shinsuke and reality again seeps in, reminding him how deep of a shit he’s in now. He stares at the now empty space Atsumu once occupied before him, mind scrambling to find its ground, his every breath struggling to calm his heart, and in the midst of the chaos running through his mind, he felt a hand over his shoulder and he turns. Keiji was there, holding the glass of wine he neglected when Atsumu entered the room. “I could go get something stronger for that if you want to. And some more company if you need us tonight.” He attempts a smile but it disappears as fast as it came. Kiyoomi took the glass and wondered what if he’s just as good at hiding his feelings as Keiji, would that be a lot more bearable than it is now? And as if reading his mind, Keiji clears his throat, “I’m not expressive but I also feel a ton, Kyo. You shouldn’t try to become like me.” He takes another sip, finally emptying the glass, “I’m also a fool who couldn’t express his feelings correctly to the one person he loves the most.” Keiji pats Kiyoomi’s back as he walks out of the room, claiming he’ll go buy something a lot stronger for tonight.

  
A few minutes passed, Atsumu comes out of his room and finds Kiyoomi in the living room staring blankly at the window. He often finds his best friend like this, lost inside his own head, as if his soul traveled somewhere that isn’t here. Sometimes, Atsumu thinks, Kiyoomi didn’t want to be here. That he’d rather spread his wings out there and be free. Of course, he knows about the late Saturday night visitors Kiyoomi has in his room. He once thought it was just his best friend’s way of relieving stress but whenever he sees Kiyoomi after every encounter, he still looks like the earth is crumbling beneath him. If there was any opportunity to talk though, Atsumu was sure to ask Kiyoomi what was wrong and if there’s anything he could do for his friend. But every time the topic arises, Kiyoomi would just brush it off and change the topic. Atsumu sometimes wonder if it was because of him that Kiyoomi feels this way, but whenever he tries racking his brain for a reason, nothing actually comes up. He once tried talking to Kuroo about this but the latter just jokingly claimed that maybe Kiyoomi has feelings for him. He laughs at the idea, though sometimes Atsumu can’t help but wonder. He isn’t that dense or unaware of the way Kiyoomi looks at him, the way his face brightens up whenever he sees him, the way he tenses up with every subtle touch. But sometimes Kiyoomi is distant with him, like he’s much more interested in a place far away from rather than what’s actually in front of him. Not to mention, how Kiyoomi has acted this way since they were in high school, more than 10 years ago. Even now, as they physically, mentally, and emotionally develop, nothing changed between them. To Atsumu, this has always been a welcome constant in both of their lives. And he’d do anything to let it stay that way for them.

  
“Tsumu…” Kiyoomi quietly utters the name under his breath as he stares at the world below. Quiet as it may have been, Atsumu heard it enough to snap him back from his thoughts. He looks at Kiyoomi, who’s still busy looking at the busy streets outside. Atsumu wanted to ask what it is that’s in his mind, and what does he have anything to do with it but judging from how Kiyoomi looks in that moment, Atsumu chooses against it. Instead, he walks quietly toward his best friend, he traces Kiyoomi’s shape with his fingers through the air, hesitating to feel the other’s skin on his. He watches Kiyoomi sigh heavily, as if trying to rid himself of the heavy weight on his back but also failing to do so. So Atsumu quietly inhales the air around them, his fingers finally finding its way on to Kiyoomi’s skin and he could feel the other jumping from his touch and Atsumu latches on to the warmth. He holds the other in his arms, trapping him in a tight embrace, inhaling Kiyoomi’s scent until it fills his lungs. Atsumu closes his eyes when he felt Kiyoomi relax under him. “Omi, I know you won’t say anything even if I asked you for the millionth time, but you know I’ll always be here for you, right?” He feels Kiyoomi slowly nodding in agreement. “Work can be a bitch sometimes and there’s always other parts of us we need to entertain on the daily, but we come home here. You’re always welcome to just sit down and talk with me about every little thing. I won’t run, nor judge you, like I always do. I’ll be honest if you need me to.” Atsumu continues, he feels the other lean in to his touch. Like ice, melting under the hot summer sun. Right now, in this moment, nothing else exists except the two of them.

  
Kiyoomi didn’t want Atsumu to let go. He wanted to stop time and just feel Atsumu’s warmth. His eyes felt hot from the tears, and he fights back the sobs, but they came. All the unspoken feelings, all the what ifs, all the what could have beens, all things that weighed in Kiyoomi’s mind for years and years of hiding, all of that had finally overwhelmed him. Just feeling Atsumu’s warmth against his own, just feeling the way Atsumu’s chest heaves with every breath, the sound of his voice, every word he had uttered, finally overflowing towards his very being. My God, I’m so in love with this man, Kiyoomi thinks but his senses prevent him from ever speaking. His lips quiver and he could feel Atsumu’s warmth leave him. Kiyoomi isn’t ready to let go, all those nights spent with random fucks in his dark bedroom flashing to him as if his whole life is playing backwards and the end game, the person at the end of it all, standing before him. He closes his eyes, tears continue to stream down his face, his chest aches as finally reality catches up to them. Kiyoomi grabs onto his shirt as if ripping his heart out but then he could feel Atsumu’s forehead on his. “I don’t know what kind of pain you’re feeling right now, Omi. But you can share them with me. Or if you don’t want to…” Atsumu kisses his forehead, lips soft and warm just like how he had imagined it, Atsumu’s perfume surrounds Kiyoomi, scent lingering in what little space left between them and so he reaches out, afraid of letting go. But reality has seeped in, and it came in the form of the doorbell ringing. Kiyoomi finally meets Atsumu’s gaze, and the other softly smiles back at him. I am so disgustingly in love with this man. Atsumu walks over to the front door, “it must be your friends.” He says, opening the door and sure enough, Tooru is grinning back at him, Keiji just behind lifting a bag of booze, and Hinata is there screaming for Kiyoomi’s name as they run past him only stopping midway to find Kiyoomi’s tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. “WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!” Tooru panicked whipping his head back at Atsumu. “I only left you alone for a few minutes, the fuck, Kyo?” Keiji hurriedly placing the bag of booze and snacks on a nearby table, Hinata running for a power hug screaming “KIYOOOOOOOOOMMIIIIIII!!!!” as he does so. Atsumu shrugged at Tooru who’s currently glaring daggers at him. “It’s fine, Tooru. Tsumu’s actually comforting me earlier too.” Kiyoomi assures their friends. “I wouldn’t dare do anything to hurt my Omi, guys, so chill.” Atsumu shrugs, already looking for his car keys at a table beside him, completely missing the incredulous stares and eye rolls from the others. “Whatever it is, we’re going to forget all about it and drink the night away.” Tooru exclaims, moving toward the goods they just bought from the convenience store downstairs. “You guys can go ahead and finish the food I made; it might get cold soon.” Atsumu opens the front door and turns back on Kiyoomi’s friends. “There’s an extra mattress somewhere, I think in Omi’s closet, for you guys to sleep in. Enjoy!” The door closes soon after, and everyone’s eyes are on it for a few good seconds, nobody moving from where they stood. Finally, Tooru turns back to Kiyoomi, eyebrows raised and the latter knew exactly what’s going to happen next. “YOU have a lot to explain, dear. Now, where’s the bottle opener around here?”

**ATSUMU**

His heart has not stopped pounding in his chest, not until he has reached the empty parking lot of the building. Away from prying eyes, and silent tears, and warm skin. Atsumu was scared. He always has. Since the moment he realized it, up until this moment where his steps grew heavy as he walks towards his car, his chest aching, his fingers shaking. He was well aware of the beast growing ever so impatient with him as the years pass, but Atsumu was never ready. He had always found ways to run away from the inevitable. But seeing Kiyoomi like that, all broken and aching because of a reason Atsumu couldn’t grasp, it all came back to haunt him. He tries reaching for his phone on his pocket, hands still shaking from the earlier moment that he and his best friend shared, and then he stops. Finally allowing himself to breathe in, to close his eyes and carefully organize his thoughts and process what was done and what has happened. He recalls Kiyoomi’s body shaking, his sobs were quiet like he was scared someone else might hear, his tears were warm as the fall endlessly from his face, the way Kiyoomi wanted to rid himself of the pain by holding Atsumu close. The closeness that they shared, the forehead kisses, and whispered promises he intends to keep despite his mind going around in circles. He feels high from Kiyoomi’s scent, addicted to his touch, and finally, Atsumu opens his eyes and mutters quiet words under his breath, releasing them from his chains: “I’m in love with my best friend.”

  
He turns around quickly, trying to see if someone may have passed by and heard him but he was all alone in that parking lot. And so, he enters his car, to continue clearing up his mind. He turns on the engine and sits there for a good while, trying to figure out what to do next. He reaches for his phone again, this time, sitting at the passenger seat. He unlocks his phone and sees a picture of him with another man, and another wave of reality hits Atsumu in that moment. The man in the picture he’s with as his home screen wasn’t Kiyoomi. They were both smiling widely, Atsumu in the picture is holding a small yellow flower between his lips, winking at the camera. The other, a silver haired man, covering one of his eyes with the same flower Atsumu was holding. He caresses his phone screen, mind finally empty from the tsunami of feelings he was harboring not that long ago. He smiles at the photo of him and Shinsuke and then finally, he makes a call.

  
_It was all a blur, Atsumu finds, a whirlwind of his own drunken stupor, the need to find a hand to hold, lips to kiss, desperate for warmth. He could hear Shinsuke whisper his name, breathless, it seems. He could feel his own body moving, in the dark, in the heat, both their bodies colliding in a moment of weakness and desperation. It all started, as it usually does, with a kiss. Atsumu wanted to sense something and so he clung to Shinsuke. Crumpled the other’s shirt in a thirst he never knew he kept hidden. Their lips collided, breath on breath, tongues dancing as they both pull each other closer like they’re both too far apart. They both taste like a mix of wine and cigarette, too hot as it makes contact with their skin. They fall on the couch, heavy breaths and soft moans echoing in all four corners of the room. It was all a blur, how Shinsuke was straddling Atsumu, a hand pulling on his hair as the kiss grew hungrier, more desperate. The other, on his neck pulling him closer and closer until Atsumu can’t make out the shapes in front of him anymore. Shinsuke was a blur, and instead, a figure appears in front of him. Curly hair, deep set eyes, twin moles over his eye. Atsumu smiles, whispered a single name the moment their kiss breaks. “Kiyoomi…” It was all a blur and Shinsuke didn’t stop, tugging at the hem of Atsumu’s shirt, fingers digging on his chest, kisses growing ever hungrier with every hitch of their breaths. “It’s okay,” Shinsuke whispers, “I’ll be him for you anytime you want.” His hands traveled south, kneeling as if to worship the being before him. He tugs at Atsumu’s belt, while the other pulls up his shirt, dazed and high as the heat envelopes his mind and numbs his senses. Shinsuke trails butterfly kisses all over Atsumu’s torso and oh how beautiful he is. The moonlight illuminating his body, shirt thrown across the floor, body full of sweat as he heaves heavy breaths, his eyes unfocused and Shinsuke wondered if he still sees Kiyoomi in front of him. Not that he minds at all, Atsumu is here with him after all, all his in the physical sense of the term. He knew, no matter how much he twists and turns the soil beneath their feet that that’s all Atsumu is able to give. He pulls Atsumu’s pants and underwear in one fell swoop, revealing his fully erect cock and Shinsuke takes his time admiring the sight before him. “Kiyoomi…” Atsumu mutters again, fingers caressing Shinsuke’s cheek, “Please…” and that was enough. Shinsuke threw away all the remaining senses he has in the same manner he took off his clothes. He kisses Atsumu again, fingers playing with the younger man’s twitching dick, while his tongue busies itself on Atsumu’s lips. The younger man moans, louder this time and Shinsuke smiles, “I want you inside me, Atsumu.”_

  
Atsumu is lost in thought, a lot of it, feelings too. Way too much that he doesn’t even know where to begin. He tries to make sense of it all but couldn’t really find the words. It’s been three years since Atsumu had realized his own feelings for his best friend. Three years since the first time Kiyoomi took home his first fuck of the week. Three years since Shinsuke looked him in the eye, an unreadable kind of sadness (maybe it was pity?) on his beautiful face and said, “I’ll be here until you’ve decided what you must do.” Three years did Atsumu put up a façade that he’s fine, that his friendship with Kiyoomi will go unchanged and he’ll be able to forget. But will he? He stopped coming home on Saturday nights, on nights when Kiyoomi stays out late, on nights when the silence of the home he shares with the person he’s most truly in love with, expands into this dark empty nothing and he could hear himself think about the what ifs, the what-could-have-beens, the maybes, the how much. Shinsuke was already kind enough to ride with him through all this and he felt that taking three more years of keeping Shinsuke from the world was cruelty enough as it is. Three years he had run away only to find dead end after dead end until now, he finds himself unable to move, unable to bear all the feelings that had finally caught up with him. Now, all that is left is fear. Fear of the ‘what now?’ and the ‘maybe if I just…” He found himself frozen in place, as time ticks slowly but surely. Frozen in the middle of a crowd that is constantly moving. Atsumu Miya is scared shitless that one day, every single person in his life will grow tired of him and leave and he won’t be able to stop every last one. But Atsumu understands this, he’d been a coward for three years, maybe even more than that. And for the first time in those three years he had run away, Atsumu Miya is finally tired.

  
“Atsumu?” a voice, soft and quiet and kind, snaps him back to reality and before him stood Kita Shinsuke. The only man who had understood him, and continues to do so for so long. “I thought you were going to hang out with your friends?” the last few words die down in the space between them as Atsumu reaches out to hold him. He felt warm, he always does, almost like being at home in bed covered in several sheets’ kind of warm. But like his actual home though, it felt empty and forced, like something tells him that he isn’t welcome and maybe that’s just him overthinking things or maybe not, who knows? “I just wanted to see you.” Atsumu says, voice muffled and quiet and lonely. Shinsuke knew immediately why and he sighs, arms encircling the younger man before him. “Tell me what do you need.”

**WAKATOSHI**

Kiyoomi swore that this will only be a short trip to the bar, his friends rounding a table not far from where he is. He needed to think, and maybe a new drink, and so he sat there close to the bartender all by his lonesome little self, taking in all the things that had happened earlier that day. The way Atsumu felt warm, still, and peaceful. Peaceful. Something Kiyoomi hasn’t felt in years, especially not since he started his weekly “attempt at forgetting” as Tooru had proclaimed one time. He prefers that term actually, but deep down he knows what he’s truly been doing all these years.

  
_He was running away. He was scared, first and foremost, the moment he realized his feelings were strong enough to overpower his senses was the moment he knew there was no easy way out of this. He couldn’t just sit there and be quiet, gobble up everything wordlessly and try to forget. He knew the moment he opens his mouth everything will change but that wasn’t always the case. He tried to forget, he really did, and the first couple of years he was sure he was successful. But when Atsumu offered to share his apartment when they moved to the city, his knees started trembling with fear. Fear that one day, he would lose control and he’d end up doing things he knows he’ll soon regret. So, he tries to run away, and this stranger at the club with small intense eyes and wavy dark hair was the perfect scapegoat, and that’s when it all started. At least, as far as he was concerned. That first fuck though, it was good. In fact, it was too good that during that entire time, was the first time in years that Atsumu didn’t appear in his mind. His face, his smile, his voice, his warmth, none of it was there. He only felt the sweat and the heat, only heard their moans and groans, only saw his room’s dark ceiling and the stranger’s face contorted with pleasure._

  
_That first night, the stranger never bothered to stay. And so, he was left there, all alone in his cold empty room with nothing but the cold to keep him company. He sat on his bed without a thought in his mind, and for the first time, felt empty. It felt like he lost all his senses in the most literal way and it took him a lot of time before realizing that he’s drifting into an ocean of nothing. No sight, no hearing, no feeling. He was just there, existing, in a sea of sheets drenched in sweat, there was a ringing in his ear from the total silence, the world was still and Kiyoomi was there staring blankly at an empty space and he feels absolutely nothing until finally sleep takes him in its arms. That night, despite of the cold and the dark and nothing, he dreams of big, rough hands caressing his skin like warm afternoon sunlight peaking from the tall buildings of the city to greet him hello. He smiles gently, a pair of lips leaving warmth on his arm, up to his shoulder, and to his neck. He chuckles, when the person’s breath blows on his ear and he whispers something Kiyoomi couldn’t quite tell. He was about to ask, but when he turned, he was met with nothing but black. He couldn’t see a thing, couldn’t hear his own voice, and he flails his arms around desperate to hold on to something solid. In that moment, it all came back, a huge wave of fear, big enough to swallow him whole and Kiyoomi jumps awake, body shivering, his entire naked torso covered in sweat, and he screams just to rid himself of the silence. He screams until his voice cracks and the tears fell. The next thing he knew, the door violently swings open and there he was, mirroring his fear but maybe it was a fear of something else. “Atsumu.” In a weakened state, he mumbles the name under his breath. The other man runs towards him, and held him close. He smells like fabric conditioner, the kind that he likes the most, yet even then, it wasn’t enough to calm him. “I’m here, Omi. I’m here.” He whispers and Kiyoomi remembers the dream. Of the warm sun, soft touches, and quiet whispers. “I’m here, Omi.” The voice had said before everything turned into nothing. He realizes he was dreaming of Atsumu and in the midst of fear he currently feels, comes a wave of guilt. Guilty that Kiyoomi had tried to run away, guilty that he couldn’t be honest with his best friend, guilty of the one-night stand, guilty of actually enjoying it, guilty of silence, guilty that he drifted so far away from the person he cares for the most._

  
_Atsumu held him tight, warm hands caressing his back in an attempt to calm him and Kiyoomi feel his body relax with every inhales Atsumu takes. He follows the rhythm of the other’s breath and his mind clears, and the world starts running again, and he feels less alone. In the peacefulness of the moment, Kiyoomi couldn’t help but recall a scene from one of the shows he had binged watched with Tooru and Keiji during one of their sleepovers. Two women were in bed, intimate, silent. One of them telling the other a story, about fear and guilt and Kiyoomi recalls it with precision, she said:_

  
_**“Fear and guilt are sisters. I knew a man once, who knew those sisters well. They kissed his eyelids as he slept, and every morning he went just a little more mad. So he built a wall to keep it all outside, but those sisters, they were in there with him. Even there. That silly man thought his wall would keep them out but there was just enough room for him and them. So he was trapped behind that wall, afraid and guilty…”** _

  
_Kiyoomi realizes that story the woman told fits him perfectly. The man she mentioned died in the story, trapped behind the wall he built with fear and guilt hovering close to him like a ghost. And maybe they were, just like his own fear and guilt. He held Atsumu closer as those words become clearer in his head. In that moment, Sakusa Kiyoomi swore, he won’t end up like that man in the story. But those words, and that honesty never came…_

  
Kiyoomi scans the room, the lights were dim and he could hear laughter and the clinking of bottles and the music blaring on each corner. He was okay with this kind of atmosphere. Away from the silence and stillness of the house where fear and guilt linger in every inch of his room, waiting. He chugs at the half empty bottle he was holding; a new sense of courage engulfs him. He could see Keiji and Tooru talking and laughing at a table nearby, that’s when he noticed the man just a few feet behind them. Even in the dimness of the room, he could tell this man is attractive, tall too, and he’s staring right at him. The man drinks all the contents in his glass and stands up, eyes still burning holes on Kiyoomi’s body and in a few moments, he’s standing before him.

  
He was perfect. In every sense of the word, he was perfect. Kiyoomi couldn’t look away, couldn’t walk out and escape from the towering figure in front of him. He was perfect, and cold, and distant. He was precise, he was quiet, like a gentle breeze in an open field. He was there, and Kiyoomi is desperate and in pain and all the things he wants to currently run away from and forget. And he was there, looking right at him, unreadable. Kiyoomi wonders if he would be able to take him to bed tonight and fuck him until Atsumu’s name and face disappears from his mind, along with the fear and guilt that awaits him. “Ushijima Wakatoshi” a beautiful name, he thought, and stopped in wonder at the thought, what if he screamed his name in the quiet corners of his room, will he finally be free? “You’re running.” Wakatoshi says like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Like he could read Kiyoomi’s mind and he felt disgusted, he never likes it when he’s seen. Especially by a particular prospect of the night but Wakatoshi’s hand found its way to his cheek and Kiyoomi froze, and he is completely taken. Wakatoshi’s eyes is devoid of feeling, yet his hands are warm and safe and Kiyoomi wonders what it would feel like to fall and be caught by him. “I’ll make you stop running.” He continues, voice low and airy, making Kiyoomi shiver. Once upon a time, he felt drowning in an ocean of every feeling, of every movement, of every sound, of every fiber of Atsumu’s being. It was loud, and there was no direction, chaos. Just full of finish lines where Atsumu stands there with a smile on his face and a hand stretched out for him to reach, yet he was never able to grasp them. But Wakatoshi felt like a narrow alleyway, pointing him towards a single direction that eventually leads up to him. _Maybe to him_ , Kiyoomi wonders in his head, _maybe he’ll be there waiting and the gates will open and I will find my home. Maybe it will be a dead end and I have no choice but to navigate back to the chaos that is Atsumu. Maybe in that dead end, I’ll lose interest in coming back. Maybe there’s no place for me to call home, only stuck in an infinite loop of heartbreak and pain and mess and dead ends_. That last one piqued Kiyoomi’s interest though. Kiyoomi Sakusa was never one to back out and leave things unfinished, yet the prospect of giving up is laid out in front of him now and he almost grabs it without hesitation. And so, Kiyoomi traces his fingers around the back of Wakatoshi’s hand, he inhales, clearing his mind of all the doubts and the fears and the guilt, and when he opens them back up, they’ve become resolute. It was as if Kiyoomi Sakusa is ready to let everything go. He takes the wheel of his fate and drives off.

  
_Smells brand new_ , Kiyoomi thinks, the ride back to his place was quiet. But not the kind he dislikes, he doesn’t think it’s also the kind of comfortable silence he often shared with Atsumu on a Sunday afternoon as they sit around, reading a book, playing games, or watching movies. It was the kind of quiet that’s filled with anticipation and of self-control. Wakatoshi is insanely attractive, his quiet and mysterious demeanor adds to the package. His fingers tremble and he tries to stop it by rubbing his hands together. Wakatoshi notices this and asks, “are you cold?” Kiyoomi shakes his head and smiles, turning his gaze the view outside. They’re all a blur to him, even the lights, the people passing through, other cars, they’re all a blur to him yet Wakatoshi remains in focus. Kiyoomi wonders if he’s alright with affection, of sweet nothings and soft kisses but when they finally reached his front door, and Wakatoshi’s hands grip his waist while he fumbles with his keys, he realizes he could throw all that sweet shit out the window.

  
They reached Kiyoomi’s room, and they were kissing fervently, hungry for each other. Hands just as much as their nails dig each other’s skin, almost ripping their clothes to shreds, Kiyoomi could hear some of the buttons of his shirt pop one after another and he grins, even whilst Wakatoshi’s tongue twirls against his. He digs his nails deeper in Wakatoshi’s back and the other groans, sounding almost feral and he pulls away, staring at a disheveled Kiyoomi below him. Kiyoomi’s hands travels from his arms, to his neck – they kiss, hot and wet – Kiyoomi’s hands travels down to his chest, to the metal of his belt, to his groin – Wakatoshi moans, such a delightful sound, Kiyoomi thinks – he rubbed his hand against Wakatoshi’s erection, and he hisses pulling away, again, from their kiss. He unbuckles his belt, and Kiyoomi follows the same, eyes never leaving each other. Like they’re in a constant battle over control and none of them wavers. Wakatoshi pinches Kiyoomi’s nipples, making him sigh loudly in pleasure, and in a swift motion, Wakatoshi rids him of his pants and underwear, throwing them across the room. He giggles in anticipation, as Wakatoshi places a chaste kiss just above his cock, heightening his senses. He leaves another just at the tip of his dick, and he gasps, hands gripping at Wakatoshi’s hair. He licks the length using the tip of his tongue leaving a phantom feeling with every line it had traced, driving Kiyoomi almost to the edge and just when he was about to whine, Wakatoshi took all of him in and Kiyoomi releases a moan. Wakatoshi’s pace was steady at first, speeding up every now and then that it drives Kiyoomi insane. He shuts his eyes close, quiet little noises coming out of his mouth, those noises grew louder with each bob of Wakatoshi’s head. Without anything to see, Kiyoomi’s sense of touch heightens and he concentrates on it. He could feel Wakatoshi spreading his legs further, placing one on his shoulder, fingers tracing small circles at his inner thigh and Kiyoomi’s moans grew louder. In the midst of his high on pleasure and of the heat, he hears a voice, soft and unassuming, warm to the touch, an oasis in the middle of a wasteland Kiyoomi created for himself. The voice calls again, hindering Kiyoomi’s concentration from the pleasure he currently feels, “I’m here, Omi.” It was like he was being forced to look, but Kiyoomi doesn’t want to look. 

  
_“You ever scared of the future, Omi?” Atsumu says, eyes focused on the view before him. They were seniors, in their last few days of high school and Atsumu pulls him up on the rooftop. There’s a park near their school, where trees bloom and during Spring, it’s the most beautiful thing to look at. Beyond it, a small town where they grew up, a river flowing calmly on the edge of it, and farther beyond that, an open field. It was quiet, only muffled noises from students wandering the halls and fields below. “I’ve gotten used to this kind of peace.” Atsumu grins. Kiyoomi rests his back at the railing and looks up at the sky. It was a beautiful shade of blue, Atsumu’s favorite color. “I guess, me too.” He admits. He turns to the boy next to him, “So, you ever scared of the future, Tsumu?” They’re standing too close to each other that their shoulders would touch with every movement. Kiyoomi felt hyper aware of Atsumu’s presence in that moment but he had shaken it off, thinking it’s always been the norm for them. “Not really, but I am scared of one thing.” Atsumu faces him, expression kind of grim. He tugs at Kiyoomi’s uniform and rests his forehead on his shoulder, “I’m scared of losing you, Omi.” Kiyoomi didn’t know which one to process first, the fact that Atsumu didn’t want to lose him, or the fact that Atsumu suddenly leaned in and kissed him, or the fact that Atsumu ran away leaving him alone in that school rooftop._

  
“Atsu…” Kiyoomi subconsciously whispers, his eyes still shut and Wakatoshi had moved on to drawing circles around his rim, pumping his cock with his other hand. Kiyoomi opens his eyes, suddenly remembering where he is. “Are you back?” Wakatoshi says, eyes focused on him and Kiyoomi feels extremely embarrassed. “Look at me.” Wakatoshi says, hovering above him, his eyes still holding his. “I told you, I’m going to stop you from running.” He places a chaste kiss on Kiyoomi’s forehead, to his temple, to his cheek, until Wakatoshi’s lips is hovering just above Kiyoomi’s ear and he whispers, “Now, close your eyes, and face him. Call out his name, scream it if you have to, until he hears you and starts looking your way too.” Wakatoshi’s lips makes its way to the crook of Kiyoomi’s neck, licking and sucking until it finally leaves a mark and Kiyoomi trembles under him. He looks at Kiyoomi, whose eyes are tightly closed, mouth gape and he’s breathing heavily. He sucks at Kiyoomi’s erect nipple, making the other squirm, a moan escapes his lips but the name stuck at the back of his throat. To encourage the younger man before him, Wakatoshi’s middle finger found its way, once again, to Kiyoomi’s hole. He draws circles around it as if asking for permission and Kiyoomi sighs a name, “Atsumu…” and he hums in response, finger pushing inside ever so gently. His pacing was slow at first and he could see Kiyoomi shaking his head, as if telling him to ‘just hurry the fuck up’ and he chuckles, inserting more fingers with every pump until finally, Kiyoomi, with his voice trembling, says, “Atsumu please…I want you inside.” And Wakatoshi obliges. He kneels in front of Kiyoomi, whose body lay ready, erect cock left untouched. He pumps it with his right hand, while the other busies itself with a condom, he hears Kiyoomi whining for “Atsumu to hurry the fuck up.” He enters, swiftly, filling Kiyoomi to the brim and Kiyoomi’s voice grew louder, “yes…you’re so big. God, you’re so big.” But this isn’t what Wakatoshi came here for. He pulls out, the tip of his dick just at the edge of Kiyoomi’s entrance, making the other boy gasp, he almost opened his eyes when Wakatoshi slams back in and Kiyoomi almost shouts. “Come on, say my name.” Wakatoshi pumps in and out, the bed creaking loudly under them. “Atsumu…” Kiyoomi calls but it wasn’t enough. Wakatoshi slows his pace down a notch and says in almost like a deep growl, “Louder. Let me hear it louder.” He speeds up again, and he hears Kiyoomi’s voice growing louder by the second, calling Atsumu’s name like it’s a lifeline. “Atsumu! Atsumu please…” “What do you need?” Wakatoshi says again, maintaining a pace that’s just enough to throw Kiyoomi on edge but not enough to drive him over it. “Touch me, Atsumu.” He whines, voice breaking at the last syllable, when Wakatoshi’s hand made its way to Kiyoomi’s neglected cock and pumps. Rhythm matching Wakatoshi’s. “Tell me what do you feel.” He says, voice barely a whisper but it was clear to Kiyoomi. 

  
He was gone at this point, fully embracing Atsumu’s presence in his mind. Before, all he did was try to shut him away, with every fuck, with every bottle of alcohol, with every drag of cigarette, Kiyoomi was just actively shutting Atsumu out. But no matter what he does, or wherever he runs off to, Atsumu was always there. Always reminding him that he’ll be there. Always within Kiyoomi’s reach if only he does. But now Kiyoomi is free from the bind, he welcomes Atsumu’s image in his head, his voice, his touch, his smile, his laughter, his everything. What was once a chaotic labyrinth of dead ends and uncertainty, that may or may not lead back to Atsumu, is now an empty space, and Kiyoomi is back to that school rooftop and Atsumu’s soft lips on his and Kiyoomi feels light. Like all the fear and guilt faded and it was just them. “I love you.” Kiyoomi says, and he’s back to reality, with Wakatoshi frowning in concentration and Kiyoomi thinks he’s close, and he could feel himself close to his climax as well. But Wakatoshi speaks again, “louder, and call my name.” Kiyoomi feel every part of him crumble, the pleasure, the enlightenment, the fear, the love, the guilt, the acceptance, the warmth, Kiyoomi feels it all and he moans again, even louder this time, “Atsumu...I love you…I…love you….so much!” And with that final word, they both reached their peak at the same time. Kiyoomi has let go, but not in the way he initially expected. Soon, he drifts into a peaceful slumber, the kind that he hadn’t felt in ages. 

  
In a room beside Kiyoomi’s, Atsumu Miya stares at a wall in front of him, eyes and cheeks stained with tears. He lays there and sobs quietly, afraid of waking Shinsuke from his sleep.

**SHINSUKE**

_Kita Shinsuke met Atsumu at the end of his senior year. He was paired up with his twin brother, Osamu, for a school program and they were tasked to organize the program’s logistics together. The Miya brothers are quite popular in school, and for obvious reasons, Shinsuke thinks. Both of them excel in different fields; Atsumu with sports, while Osamu in the cultural arts. They’re also physically attractive boys, and everyone’s heads would turn whenever they walk past them. Shinsuke was also one of those who looked on in longing and wonder and sometimes even allows his mind to imagine what it would be like to be near them. Particularly one twin, Osamu, and fortunately for him, he got what he wished for in the form of this school program. Osamu had always been quiet; out of the twins he was the one who looked more serious. He excels in the arts, had also tried out for theatre and was always academically excellent. His brother, Atsumu is also the same, though he flies under everybody’s radar because he tends to goof around more than his brother. But he’s also an amazing student, and his passion for sports, particularly volleyball, draws people close to him. Shinsuke had always admired Atsumu in that field, but it was always Osamu who was able to hold his full attention. Even after the school program, he sought Osamu’s company and he could feel the twins’ affection towards him. He also knew of Kiyoomi Sakusa who was always around Atsumu, he seemed frail at first, always looking sickly and all, but Shinsuke was pleasantly surprised to learn that Kiyoomi was actually one heck of an athlete himself. He constantly bickered with Atsumu, always challenged each other in some stupid game or two, always there whenever the twins would fight, to mediate things, and to talk some sense into both. Shinsuke often found himself wondering if he could be that for Osamu and he would laugh at himself for even thinking about it. After his graduation ceremony, the twins and Sakusa met with him at the school grounds, Atsumu holding Kiyoomi’s hand and in tears, Osamu’s lips trembled but he remained steadfast. He mentally notes the way Sakusa glances at Atsumu, he would often pretend he was uninterested with everything but his eyes soften every time Atsumu looks away. He knew it right from the start that Sakusa Kiyoomi is in love with his best friend Miya Atsumu._

  
_Around fall the following year, Shinsuke’s life had changed completely. He was having trouble focusing in school, had to juggle his schedules after getting a part time job at a café near his dorm, and around that time, his grandmother passed away. He didn’t even have enough time to mourn because he had exams to worry about. The twins and Sakusa came to the funeral, they had often checked up on him even after he moved to the city, but only through phone calls or texts. He would often talk to Atsumu about a lot of things, like how he became the captain of their volleyball team, or how Kiyoomi suddenly developed a habit of wearing a mask even though he wasn’t really that sick, or how Osamu is playing a major role for a play and that he should come by to see him perform. “He doesn’t say it but he misses you, you know?” Atsumu said in a call once, Shinsuke smiles at the thought and remembers the old feelings he once harbored for Atsumu’s twin. “Yeah, I miss him too, both of you, Sakusa too.” Atsumu chuckles at the other end, “You never told him how you really feel, Shin. And I think you still feel the same.” He didn’t know how to answer that. True, he may have left his feelings up in the air like that even after graduating and it’s been sitting up there for so long and life became so busy that one day, he just forgot about it. But every now and then, when life finally allows him time to breathe, he thinks of Osamu, and wonders if things wouldn’t be as bad as it is if he was there with him. Even while talking to Atsumu, he would sometimes wonder if Osamu felt the same and he always trusted that they will be there with him, and sometimes, that was enough._

  
_Or so he thought, when one night, a few years after their graduation, Osamu gave Shinsuke a call._

  
_He sounded happy, and there were cheers and shouts behind him when Shinsuke answered. “Hey! Senpai!” Osamu giggles, Shinsuke could hear Atsumu screaming “YEAH!!!” at the other end. “You guys sound like you’re having fun.” He, on the other hand, just got home from work, welcomed by the silence that accompanied him all this time. Often times, he doesn’t mind it at all, the silence. It allows him to clear his mind and reorganize his thoughts. He’s holding a decent paying job but there are times, he admits, that it doesn’t feel worth it anymore. He wanted to talk with someone about it but with the cheers on the other end of the line, Shinsuke felt it would be intrusive to ruin the moment. “I AM having fun!” Osamu exclaims, laughing heartily at something. God, Shinsuke wishes he was there to laugh with him. “Listen, senpai,” Osamu says, voice with a hint of seriousness, “I would’ve wanted you to be here to share this moment with me, but I know you’ve been extremely busy these days. And well, I hope for the next invite, I’ll be able to finally see you again.” Shinsuke smiles, back then he had only wished that he could be close to him like this, and it gives him reassurance that he won’t be leaving Osamu anytime soon. “Senpai, I’m so happy right now. Rika said yes!” Osamu laughs again, but the smile disappears from Shinsuke’s face. “WE’RE GETTING MARRIED!!!” Osamu shouts, and the people with him on the other end cheers louder. Shinsuke felt his chest tighten with every minute and he swallows a painful lump in his throat and says, “Congratulations, Osamu.” He pauses, sure that his voice would eventually break if he says anything more. “Oh! Senpai! Atsumu wants to talk to you. I’ll send you the invitation as soon as I can so I hope you can at least clear one day off for me? I love you senpai!” Shinsuke covers his mouth, trying to fight the sob that threatens to leave his mouth. He hears Atsumu on the other end, “Yo! Shin!” and Shinsuke finally lets go and allows the tears to fall._

  
_He was on his fifth bottle, as Atsumu had pointed out, that night. They were in his studio apartment, Shinsuke plopped down on a bean bag, beside him a coffee table full of empty beer bottles. He thinks he still has at least 3 more unopened ones on the floor. Kiyoomi, tired from today’s events, already asleep on Shinsuke’s bed, how and when he got there, Shinsuke had no idea. Atsumu probably tucked him in and proceeded to sit on the floor in front of him. Atsumu sighs, “you really should stop now, Shin.” In Shinsuke’s drunken daze, Atsumu awfully looks like Osamu in that moment. No, not only because they’re twins but that look on Atsumu’s face reminds Shinsuke of the other one. Earlier that day, was Osamu’s wedding. He had invited Atsumu and Kiyoomi for a drink to his place, to “celebrate” but all three of them knew it was the other way around. Shinsuke stares at Atsumu, looking at Kiyoomi in that moment and Shinsuke scoffs. “You fucking look like him.” His words slurred, but Atsumu understood every word. He looked confused, like he’s looking at a math problem he couldn’t understand. “Uhh.” “I hate your face, you. You look like him. I hate it.” “Shin, what’re you talking about? Of course, I look like him.” Shinsuke slams his fist on the table, the empty beer bottles shook on impact and some landed on Shinsuke’s carpet. Atsumu looked panicked and turned to Kiyoomi who only turned, frowning, and is back to sleep the next moment. “What do you want me to do, Shin?” Atsumu sighs, and wipes the tears on Shinsuke’s eyes, “I wanted you to love me, Samu. I wanted it to be me. I know I shouldn’t ask that from you. Like, how can I? I’ve been in love with you since high school, and even after we became friends, I never said a goddamn thing. I was always comforted by the idea that you’ll always be right there, at least until I was ready but you went ahead and found someone else, and it sucks. It sucks because I could’ve made you happy, much happier, but now it’s too late. I saw you today and you were the happiest I’ve ever seen you and fuck how I wished that was me you were waiting for at the altar. But I waited too long and now you’re gone and I don’t know how to fucking move on, Osamu. Tell me how to move on.”_

  
_Atsumu was quiet, he wasn’t the person who should be listening to this and he can only take it all in his brother’s place. Somewhere in his peripheral, he sees Kiyoomi sitting up in bed, looking at him and Shinsuke. Atsumu places a hand on the older man’s shoulder and softly tells him to get to bed. Kiyoomi stands up to help, and as if there was no more energy left in him to struggle, Shinsuke allows them. He opens his eyes slightly, and sees Atsumu wiping his tears away. Kiyoomi was quietly cleaning up the bottles from the table, and in a low voice, Shinsuke tells Atsumu, “Sumu, don’t be like me. Once you feel it, and you’re sure of it, never let that person go.”_

  
But Atsumu waited, and regardless of his better judgement, Shinsuke aided him in this farce. In a moment of utter weakness, from the both of them, they were there for each other to forget. But every kiss, every touch, every whisper, and every movement of their bodies, they both call out someone else’s name. Shinsuke always knew he won’t be redeeming anything any time soon, but he always held hope for Atsumu. In the back of his mind, he had hoped that between the two of them, Atsumu will eventually come out of this dump of a “paradise” they created for themselves and will find happiness. Atsumu’s has always been right there, within his reach, yet he was scared to reach out, to take that leap of faith and jump. So in this moment, right here, with Atsumu’s back turned against him, illuminated by the moonlight like it had been three years ago, Kiyoomi’s muffled noises from the other room calling for his name, Shinsuke felt relieved that this time, things will finally change for the better. He knows Atsumu is awake, he could tell from the way his breath hitches every time Kiyoomi calls for him, how he trembled when Kiyoomi shouted how much he loves him, and how it continues to tremble to fight back the tears. Shinsuke wanted to reach out, hoping to provide some reassurance, some peace of mind that yes, it’s okay to leave, and yes, the façade is over, but he also fears that Atsumu might run away again because physically, in that other room, it isn’t Atsumu. Shinsuke allowed the silence to settle, allowed the words to linger, allowed Atsumu to process everything that had happened, and when Atsumu finally resigned to quiet sobs against his pillow, Shinsuke offered him his warmth. He wouldn’t allow Atsumu to face him, to aid him once again and run away, no, this time, no more running. He’ll force Atsumu to this reality if he needs to but right now, he held Atsumu, buried his face against his nape and whisper, “he calls for you, Sumu. Even with somebody else in there with him, he still thinks of you.” He inhales Atsumu’s scent, something that he’s become accustomed to all these years. A moment when they would lie in bed the whole night and just hold each other close. Shinsuke tires of pretending, and wants to let go, but in order to do that, Atsumu must face this one head on. “no matter how long we do this, you will never be Osamu, and I won’t ever be Kiyoomi. So please, Sumu, don’t run away this time. Open your eyes, and uncover your ears, he’s just right there, you just need to reach out and hold him.” Silence envelopes them once again, but not the kind they’re used to. It’s more comforting, like a gentle breeze caressing their skin. It’s warm sunlight on an early morning in the park, not too scorching, not too glum. It’s soft hands tracing every curve and every inch of their bodies, afraid to wake up the other but wanting to feel them against their skin. And for the first time in so long, Shinsuke felt liberated from all the regrets and from all the heartbreak. In the silence, he hopes Atsumu feels the same.

**DISTANCE CLOSING**

That morning, Kiyoomi wakes up to a cold empty space beside him and in that moment, reality sinks in his gut once again. He sits up in bed, mentally cursing the unwanted warmth the sun was giving him through his windows, rubbing his eyes almost too aggressively while trying to drown himself in more fantasies. He had much rather stay in his daydreams rather than face reality that beyond his bedroom door, Atsumu will be there, so achingly beautiful and painfully not his. On his bedside table, he notices a small note leaning against the lamp. In it, a short message written by his partner the night before, it’s time to stop running. Kiyoomi stares at the note longer, reading the words over and over again until he’s finally confident to follow it. But he knows he won’t ever get over it. Knows that by the time he leaves his bed and heads for the kitchen, he’s going to wallow in his unattainable fantasy. It’s like this, to Kiyoomi, reality is like a dream. It’s like when you go to bed at night and you dream and then you wake up only to find out it isn’t real, that’s what reality feels like for him. Reality sometimes seeps into his fantasies and slaps him across the face just to remind him that it’s there and it exists, but Kiyoomi has deluded himself away from it. To stay in a dream where everything was alright and that Atsumu is his on nights when he feels most vulnerable.

His mind was interrupted by a soft knock on the door. In a muffled tone, Atsumu speaks, “Omi, breakfast is ready.” The tone in his voice felt odd, causing Kiyoomi to straighten his back in alarm. He reaches for a discarded shirt at the foot of his bed and shuffles away from it into the kitchen where he finds Atsumu quietly drinking his morning coffee by the kitchen counter, eyes burning holes into the void that is their kitchen floor. A plate of bacon, eggs, and toast set aside for Kiyoomi. He approaches the man quietly and sits next to him. Some days, they spend their weekends in the silence, the kind they enjoy sharing together, the kind that isn’t heavy or suffocating. Today, as they sit quietly in their kitchen, the silence was almost deafening. Words hang in the air and they both try hard to pick the right ones but the pressure is there, glaring at their backs and they stand there unmoving, unable to communicate. Sometimes, they have moments of tension, which is something Kiyoomi can’t deny nor can’t really understand the reason to. Sometimes, that tension comes in the form of a touch, a glance, a smile, a phrase, or how their names roll off each other’s tongues but it felt like so many things are left unsaid between them. This is one of those moments, and right now, Kiyoomi couldn’t tell where it comes from, so he sits there in silence, trying to push the food down his stomach but the lump on his throat makes it hard to do so.

Finally, silence was broken when Atsumu calls his name. He didn’t turn to look at Kiyoomi, but rather stare more intensely at the empty space he’s been looking at for the past 15 minutes. “Yesterday,” Atsumu continues, “I spent most of my afternoon in confusion. Back then, I was probably too dense to notice but eventually, things become clearer and more confusing. There’s something going on between us, Omi. I know you feel it too.” Atsumu finally puts down his empty mug and turns to Kiyoomi who’s staring at him wide-eyed in confusion, similar to what Atsumu is feeling right now. “I came home, Shin was with me, because I asked him to stay. Because I was scared of being alone, and I know pretty soon, you’ll come home with a stranger in your arm and I didn’t want to be alone when that happens.” He reaches for Kiyoomi’s trembling hand, his own trembling as well. “I was in bed last night, and I heard you. At first, I thought that maybe I was hearing things, that my brain was forcing me to believe that you were screaming my name. But Shin was there with me and then he told me that you were calling for me. And then he told me to go to you.” Kiyoomi was at a loss. Atsumu was there, on the other side of the wall, listening as he drowns himself in the fantasy of his best friend fucking his brains out, screaming how much he’s in love with him in an illusion he created with his mind. And of course, how Shinsuke was there, allowing Atsumu to leave, just like that. “I’m sorry…” was all he could muster, eyes filled with tears that refused to drop. In blurred vision, Atsumu smiles kindly at him and he thinks he doesn’t deserve this.

“It’s alright, Omi. What Shinsuke and I had, none of that was real. We just…” he pauses, his own lips quivering and his breath became heavy. Kiyoomi’s other hand tightened its grips on Atsumu’s as if giving him the courage to go on. Atsumu exhales, “what we had, we only did it to cope. Shinsuke loved my brother with everything he has, you saw that. And I…was too scared to face you and be honest with my feelings with you. So I ran away, I ran to him. And we both somehow ended up in the same ship of refusing to face reality when all this time, if we just turned, we’d see each other.” There was a beat of silence between them. Kiyoomi tries to process the words with his mind but his heart raced to the point that he couldn’t breathe. Atsumu was there, holding his hand, accepting the feelings he often whispers in his room before. “I love you, Omi.”

The kiss was nothing like Kiyoomi had ever imagined, nor was it anything like the ones he was used to receive. It was warm, like afternoon tea in a cold winter afternoon. It was like rain, like children jumping on puddles laughing and screaming for joy as they run after each other, umbrellas forgotten in a corner. It was like quiet Sunday mornings, a love song playing softly in the background as a couple hold each other close in the middle of their living room, slow dancing to the rhythm and whispering the lyrics to each other’s ears. It was like getting out of a car at a rest stop during a long road trip, stretching one’s limbs appreciating the way the sun’s rays softly greets their skin as it rises in the horizon. It was quiet, the kind Kiyoomi and Atsumu enjoy.

He feels Atsumu wipe the tears that were finally rolling down his cheek. He pulls away only to whisper “I love you” to him one hand caressing his cheek while the other folded around his waist. “I love you too.” Kiyoomi smiles against Atsumu’s lips, arms sliding up to his arms, and wraps it around his shoulders.

They deepen their kiss. Wetter, and sloppier, their bodies inching closer and their touches grew hungrier. Atsumu’s fingers creeping in on the inside of Kiyoomi’s shirt and Kiyoomi tugs at the hem of Atsumu’s. The fabric soon felt like an obstacle as they crave for each other’s skin. This kiss, now feels like fireworks on a summer night. Like the high you get after riding a roller coaster and it drops after an achingly long ascend. Kiyoomi’s nails dig at Atsumu’s shoulders, pushing him as close as possible as they wobble across the living room, Kiyoomi’s back finally landing on the sofa. Atsumu licks the inside of Kiyoomi’s lips, their tongues in an odd dance and they could feel each other’s hot breaths that smells like coffee and breakfast. He felt Atsumu pinch his nipple, earning him a moan and Atsumu grins, hips grinding against Kiyoomi’s hands.

Pretty soon, they’re naked, and they both paused to appreciate each other’s beauty. Kiyoomi lays on the sofa, mouth open and ready to receive Atsumu who is hovering above him, studying his naked form. Kiyoomi’s covered in marks, both new and old and Atsumu tells him it would’ve been better if all those came from him and Kiyoomi huffs, a smirk plastered on his lips, “Well from now on, I’m all yours.” He sits up straight and rubs his thumb against Atsumu’s thigh, noting how his cock twitched on contact. Kiyoomi leaves a kiss on the tip of Atsumu’s dick, thumbs still drawing invisible circles on his skin. He kisses the soft skin on Atsumu’s inner thigh, sucks on it and kisses it again. He continues to do this while leaving marks on Atsumu, he could hear the other exhaling his name over and over and Kiyoomi thinks there’s no song better than the one Atsumu is singing in this moment. Atsumu’s hand gripping on his curly locks, the other, digging nails on their sofa. He sucks at the tip of Atsumu’s cock, wrists twisting at every pump and Atsumu whines louder, pushing himself in and out of Kiyoomi’s mouth.

Their eyes meet, and Atsumu mouths an I love you even as Kiyoomi continues with his deeds and Kiyoomi feels like he’s about to cry right then and there. He remembers the times when he had to will himself into seeing an illusion of Atsumu enjoying his kisses and his touch, remembers the times when he had to call for his name knowing full well it wasn’t him that’s laying on his bed. Right here, right now, Atsumu stands in all his wonder, looking almost ethereal with the sun’s rays shining down on his skin, whispering words he once thought were only trapped in a fantasy he created for himself. Atsumu is here, in all his physical being, all his and no one else’s. Atsumu catches his lips once again, the sofa creaks with their movement and Kiyoomi finds himself straddling Atsumu’s thigh. “God, you’re so beautiful.” Atsumu sighs, wiping stray curls away from his face, and Kiyoomi smiles and answers, “I love you so much, Sumu.” He adjusts himself to finally allow Atsumu entrance, he gasps loudly as he pushes him further in. He could hear Atsumu echoing his moans and their eyes meet once again, cupping Atsumu’s cheeks and kissing his forehead.

Kiyoomi moves slowly at first, allowing himself to adjust to Atsumu and he almost slams himself against him, names filling every void, and every corner of the room. Their eyes never left one another, like seeing through each other’s soul. Atsumu grabs his waist with one hand and pumps Kiyoomi’s dick with the other. “I love you. I love you. I fucking love you Kiyoomi.” He pants heavily with every word. Kiyoomi could feel Atsumu in every sense of the word, and the tears that threaten to escape his eyes falls, and in between quiet sobs and a mixture of moans he says, “I love you. I’m yours. Only yours.”

Their release was just like any other, in a physical sense. But the lumps in their chest, the smiles on their faces, and the way they clung to each other, felt like a breath of fresh air. There’s no need for words, not when Kiyoomi feels Atsumu’s arms around him, still whispering soft I love yous in his ear, and he replies with kisses on the other’s shoulder. To some, this is just like any other day. The world turns, and people go about their own business. But in this small apartment that Kiyoomi and Atsumu share, where once upon a time the silence was deafening and the darkness their only companions, they finally see each other, they finally listened to the echoes left in the corners, and they finally answered.

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be the very first Haikyuu-related fic I post here, but I got derailed....BADLY.
> 
> There's a lot of nsfw scenes here which is insanely new to me. But the angst lives on. I hope you still enjoyed it though!
> 
> Find me on Twitter: @relifer_


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